Parenting is (mostly) About Us!

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello and welcome to Samos Padres, [00:00:03] Speaker B: A podcast dedicated to the constant development over parenting and ourselves. [00:00:07] Speaker A: We are your hosts, Paulo and Yesenia. Thanks for joining us as we share our parenting experiences rooted within the context of our own life journey. [00:00:16] Speaker B: In that spirit, we will also be sharing parenting information and the stories of Madres and Padres out there who have… [00:00:21] Speaker A: Embraced their own personal evolution as the great latest gift of parenthood. [00:00:27] Speaker B: Here we go!!! Hello everyone! [00:00:38] Speaker A: Bienvenidos. Hello. Welcome back. [00:00:40] Speaker B: Welcome to our podacast. Here we are. [00:00:43] Speaker A: Yeah, it's been a minute. It's been a minute. But here we are. [00:00:48] Speaker B: Yeah. I cannot believe that it's been like over a month. [00:00:50] Speaker A: I know. And it's been a little crazy, I think because of… Because we've entered the holidays. That's one. But also because I wasn't really sure how I was going to be affected by the doing the course that I did. Running the parenting course. [00:01:11] Speaker B: Yes, you did the parenting course. [00:01:13] Speaker A: I think that it was a time of assimilating what that was going to be like. But I finished, and so I feel like now my attention comes back. [00:01:25] Speaker B: I think you did an awesome job because even though I don't know the details, you radiate it every time you actually had a session. [00:01:32] Speaker A: Yes. But let's not get too ahead of ourselves. What are we drinking today? [00:01:37] Speaker B: So the drink for the day is, since we are actually recording on a weekday, we usually record on weekends. We are recording on a weekday and is at night. So we decided to go into not a mixed drink this time. So we just grab a Coronita from the refrigerator, put a little bit of lime and salt. Just enjoy it while we record. So that's the drink for the day. Just a simple Coronita extra. [00:02:06] Speaker A: Yeah. Yum. Thank you for fixing mine up. And we will go on to our new segment, our highs and lows. [00:02:19] Speaker B: Yes, we decided to do that. [00:02:21] Speaker A: Yeah, you started it last time. [00:02:22] Speaker B: Do you want to start? [00:02:24] Speaker A: Sure. [00:02:24] Speaker B: Do you want to start with the highs or the lows? [00:02:26] Speaker A: Let's start with the high because I kind of already talked about it. My high was completing the parenting course. I officially finished a ten week parenting course that I ran. I led with a couple, and it was fantastic. I had all of these anxieties around. Would I be able to do this? And then also just crafting all of the content and would it be useful and all these things. But at the end of the day, I feel like I got a lot of really great feedback from them. And after every single session, I always felt pumped. It was like, yeah. Before I had all these fears. Oh, my God, is this going to work out? Because obviously it was the first time I was doing it, but then afterwards I was like, oh, my God, that felt great. [00:03:15] Speaker B: Yeah. And I was a witness to that. You were so excited. [00:03:18] Speaker A: That was definitely. I officially feel like I'm a parent coach. [00:03:22] Speaker B: Yeah, you're awesome. You're awesome. You actually have a lot of insights. [00:03:26] Speaker A: Yeah, I feel good about it. So that's definitely my high. [00:03:30] Speaker B: And I know because obviously the insights when we talked about things, I really appreciate that. [00:03:35] Speaker A: Thank you. What's your high? [00:03:37] Speaker B: My high? My high? Well, not really that much until you know that my. [00:03:42] Speaker A: Well, okay, we're talking about your high. You're sounding way too low because I'm. [00:03:49] Speaker B: Realizing that in regards to my personal development, there's no highs. [00:03:54] Speaker A: Yeah, but this is not about just personal development. And I think you're being. [00:03:57] Speaker B: Because personal development is tied to everything. [00:04:01] Speaker A: I know, but I also feel like you're being too. [00:04:07] Speaker B: But that doesn't mean that I haven't experienced flow with life. [00:04:11] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:04:12] Speaker B: So my flow. Well, my high has been, like, getting things done here around the house. [00:04:19] Speaker A: Yes. [00:04:20] Speaker B: I was able to clean the garage. I'm starting to organize the garage. [00:04:23] Speaker A: You put the tractor. [00:04:24] Speaker B: We have a small tractor already inside the garage, so to protect it from the weather. Because the elements. Because I don't want that tractor to mess up. [00:04:32] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:04:34] Speaker B: So that's exciting. The garage is looking. Starting to look like an organized garage. Yes. It's looking better around the house. I feel that front fence stain. [00:04:48] Speaker A: Yes. [00:04:49] Speaker B: That's an accomplishment. Yes, I did it and it looks awesome. What feels good for me. Yeah, I've been feeling. I'm proud of myself. [00:05:00] Speaker A: Absolutely. I'm proud of you, too. Those are amazing things. We put the cat door. [00:05:06] Speaker B: We put the cat door. [00:05:08] Speaker A: I mean, that's another thing that was just waiting for us to get around to it. [00:05:11] Speaker B: No, and honestly, for the listeners, we put a cat door so that we can actually rest a little bit more because our cats are like, they're inside cats, but also outdoors. Not a half and half. We just provide that space for the freedom to be a cat. So for the longest time, we have that door already to be installed. [00:05:36] Speaker A: Just hadn't gotten to it. [00:05:37] Speaker B: We haven't gotten to it because it's obviously opening a hole through the door and installing the thing and getting it ready and have the cats train the cats to use it. [00:05:49] Speaker A: But now it's done. [00:05:49] Speaker B: But it's done. [00:05:53] Speaker A: And that takes us to our lows. So my low, I guess I'll go first, too. And I imagine that people can relate to my low. But over Thanksgiving, we got together with family and I had too much to drink, which it wasn't completely my fault, honestly. I blame Paolo a little bit. [00:06:22] Speaker B: Well, one shot. [00:06:24] Speaker A: But anyway, it's long story short, I don't remember most. Well, I wouldn't say most of things I don't remember. After a certain point, I blacked out. [00:06:33] Speaker B: The last quarter of it. [00:06:34] Speaker A: I don't remember it. And for me, that's a low because that always, I hate that feeling to be. No. [00:06:41] Speaker B: Yeah, it's an awful feeling. [00:06:43] Speaker A: I like to drink and have a good time, but I feel like I'm pretty good at pacing myself, hydrating, drinking the water, eating so that I don't get to that point because I hate that feeling the next day of just, like, guilt and embarrassment and this feeling of, oh, my God, what did I do? What did I say? Oh, my God. Is there video evidence? I don't know. That feeling is horrible to me. So that's definitely a low every time. I'm not going to do that again. But here's why I blame bottle a little bit. Because we were playing a game. Our intention was never to have shots. [00:07:23] Speaker B: Never to have shots. So that's why we bought, like, we bought tequila, but tequila to be mixed for mixed drinks. [00:07:29] Speaker A: Drinks. We purposely. We purposely did not take sipping tequila. [00:07:34] Speaker B: Or an expensive vinyl tequila because we. [00:07:36] Speaker A: Were like, no, we don't want to make this a moment gathering where we are going to be taking shots and anyone can get too crazy. We were like, we're going to take a bunch of. We took vodka, we took rum, we took tequila, but all for mixed drinks so that we can just have a good time. But then one of our young people took a game, and the game is actually very interesting. It's fun, but it turned into, well, person one against the other. And then winner plays each person, loser or whatever, and then the loser has to take a shot. And since there was no other bottles, they brought out the tequila. And, yeah, I kept losing. Okay, so there was this moment where I told Paolo, okay, because they made it husband versus wife. And I was like, look, babe, you got to let me win. You got to let me win, because I knew at that point I could not have another shot of tequila. Paolo said, yeah, babe, yeah. But then he did in thing. [00:08:46] Speaker B: But for me, I never go into all I need to help you because you're really good at hydrating and taking long for the next round. [00:08:55] Speaker A: But I was telling you, you have to let win. And you said, yeah, babe. Yes. [00:09:00] Speaker B: And honestly, I wasn't really trying. Oh, my God. [00:09:04] Speaker A: He didn't let me win. [00:09:06] Speaker B: I wasn't really trying. The heart. And I was win, sure. [00:09:12] Speaker A: And so I lost. And that was the shot that put me over. I have no idea what happened after that, honestly. He says, I was really upset. Kind of belligerent. And I was really upset about that. [00:09:24] Speaker B: Yeah, really upset. I'm like. [00:09:26] Speaker A: And needless to say, he says, I dropped pozole at the end of the night. [00:09:30] Speaker B: Yeah, you spilled the pozole at the end. [00:09:32] Speaker A: Oh, my God. [00:09:33] Speaker B: It was a mess in the kitchen. [00:09:34] Speaker A: I don't remember any of that. [00:09:38] Speaker B: Embarrassing. [00:09:39] Speaker A: Yeah, that was my role. [00:09:40] Speaker B: So, yeah, that's the thing about the embarrassment. It's like, oh, yeah, once in a while it's not bad. Well, once in a while it's not bad. But when you know how you get. Once you cross the line. [00:09:50] Speaker A: Yes. And that's why I don't like to get there. [00:09:52] Speaker B: Yeah. For me, I'm learning from experience as well. [00:09:57] Speaker A: What was your low learning from? [00:10:02] Speaker B: Well, learning from experience is, like, since I haven't been really committing myself to my personal development. So whenever you stop working on your personal development, the old habits are going to rise to the surface. [00:10:18] Speaker A: Okay. Tell everybody what you did. [00:10:20] Speaker B: So what I did was like, yeah, that was before Thanksgiving, I believe. We got together here at our home with family, and there was an issue. At the end of the day, let's say it was a big stain in one of the couches. So the couch was completely, like, with a huge stain that we thought it wasn't going to be removable. [00:10:44] Speaker A: Well, it looked bad. [00:10:45] Speaker B: It looked really bad. And I got really upset. And I got really upset. And I actually sent a group text. [00:10:54] Speaker A: You sent a text? [00:10:55] Speaker B: I sent a text where I was shaming the person. An angry text. It was angry text. But this is the thing. I was aware that it was an angry text. And even in the text, I know I'm shaming, but sometimes shaming a person is needed. [00:11:09] Speaker A: That's what he said. [00:11:10] Speaker B: Needed text. Yes. That's what I said to fix things so that this doesn't happen again. And honestly, that's not the approach to solve problems. [00:11:20] Speaker A: You totally reverted. [00:11:22] Speaker B: I reverted to all parents. Yeah, because for me. For me, my. All parents are like, I need to teach you a lesson. [00:11:30] Speaker A: Yes. And I'm going to. [00:11:33] Speaker B: And that lesson needs to hurt, because if it doesn't hurt, no pain, no gain. No, honestly, basically, that's how I grew up. And that was my style. Was my style of solving a lot of problems. [00:11:49] Speaker A: But I have to say, you were able to snap out of it, though, pretty quickly. [00:11:55] Speaker B: Really quickly. Pretty much minutes after it happened. Within minutes. [00:12:01] Speaker A: An hour. [00:12:02] Speaker B: Yeah, because obviously, like an hour. But that's two minutes. It's not days, it's not weeks. I was aware and I was like, you know what? Let's just say after an hour, it's probably in the text messages because we're going to go and say the text message and then the phone call. I was like, no, this is not okay. I need to make a phone call and apologize and apologize and admit, like, this is not the way I need to be mature. I need to stand for what I believe is right. Yeah. If I'm here in front of this microphone, it's because I'm trying to grow myself. And in sending this message about personal growth and all that, we have to commit. Otherwise, why take on such an amazing project when it's all talk but not no action? [00:13:00] Speaker A: Yeah, I think the point is in many ways, first of all, yeah. You snapped out of it pretty quickly and recognized, like, oh, man, I messed up. And you did the adult thing and you made a phone call. [00:13:17] Speaker B: Phone call. Not real adult phone call. [00:13:20] Speaker A: And then I think part of it is just recognizing that these things are going to happen, especially when you're not taking care. [00:13:28] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:13:29] Speaker A: Or yourself, of yourself. [00:13:33] Speaker B: Working in ourselves. It can be from sleep, sleeping right, sleeping right, exercising, eating properly, obviously taking time for your meditation, working fullness, mindfulness, your career, to paying attention, balancing, at least striving to balance our lives. That's what is like personal growth. [00:13:56] Speaker A: And you have definitely. We have not been hardly. [00:14:00] Speaker B: No. I was supposed to run 75K in November. I checked my watch, actually, again, to make sure. What was my mileage out of the 48 miles I was supposed to have run. I only run nine. [00:14:18] Speaker A: Wow. Yeah. So, I mean, I think all of that, it starts to build up. Right. And then things like that are going to happen. We're going to revert to old patterns and everything. [00:14:32] Speaker B: It's a lot easier to revert back when you're not taking care of yourself. [00:14:36] Speaker A: Yes. [00:14:37] Speaker B: Because the conditioning is there. [00:14:38] Speaker A: And that kind of leads us to today's topic, I feel like in a really beautiful way, because we're going to talk about parenting and how in many ways, it's really not about our kids. [00:14:56] Speaker B: You heard that, correct? [00:14:57] Speaker A: Yeah. Which can feel a little bit counterculture. It's not typically the way that we look at parenting. Right. No parenting. [00:15:07] Speaker B: There's no way. [00:15:09] Speaker A: In culture, and traditionally speaking, parenting is focused almost exclusively on the child and on how you're going to discipline them and teach them right from wrong and things like that. And it's very hyper focused on the child. [00:15:25] Speaker B: It's very hyper focused. Everything surrounds the child. [00:15:28] Speaker A: Yeah. And I remember I was talking to you a while, a couple months back and I was trying to do a social media post where I was trying to talk about this concept, which actually it comes from Shafali, where it's a parenting myth. Right. Traditionally we think that parent, the myth is that parenting is about the child, but in actuality it's not. It's mostly about us. But I told you I was trying to do a 1 minute video and this is just not working out. [00:16:03] Speaker B: 1 minute back. [00:16:04] Speaker A: Come on. Yeah. This topic is so layered that it feels like it really needs a lot. [00:16:15] Speaker B: It needs the podcast because it needs a lot of reflection. Yes, and a lot of reflection on how is it really this possible. [00:16:24] Speaker A: Right. What do you mean? What do you mean? Parenting isn't about the child. [00:16:28] Speaker B: It isn't about the child. Yeah. [00:16:30] Speaker A: So that's what we wanted to do today, is really talk about how parenting is actually in many ways mostly about us. Now, like I said, it's counterculture to think this way because let's just start with the fact that most parenting models focus on the doing of the discipline, right? And traditionally discipline has been looked at as more about punishment. Just getting your kid to do certain things, trying to control them, trying to control your kid. [00:17:10] Speaker B: No, it is true, because it is the same way in education. One model follows another and education is always, oh, distillance are bad right? [00:17:19] Speaker A: And it's so focused on the child and what they're doing, their behavior. It's focused on the child's behavior and not so much on the adults, but what we would argue or what we would offer more. So is this idea of looking at parenting as being so much more. It's like everything that happens up until you decide what to do in the actual moment with your child, right? [00:17:51] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:54] Speaker A: It encompasses even what we were talking about, the self care, the creating mindfulness. Like, are you in this moment where you're about to discipline Your child? Are you in a space where you're actually thinking clearly and you can see the situation for what it is versus when you're putting your own stuff onto it and it's about you versus about the child. Right. [00:18:23] Speaker B: And that's the reason why there is no manual for parenting. No, not really, no. There's no manual for parenting. There is not one book that you go and read and that's it. You're going to become an amazing parent. [00:18:34] Speaker A: Right. [00:18:35] Speaker B: It doesn't exist. [00:18:35] Speaker A: It's so individual. It's so like. [00:18:37] Speaker B: Yes. [00:18:38] Speaker A: Based on your own experience, your own. [00:18:41] Speaker B: Experiences since you were born. [00:18:43] Speaker A: Yeah, I remember there was a point when I was working with the couple where we were talking about moments of what would you do if your kid is at the store and they throw themselves on the floor? And even that, it's kind of like. [00:19:05] Speaker B: Even before you continue, a lot of people, they're going to go like, don't take the child to the store. But no, it's not about that. It's because there's going to be moments that you are going to end up. You have no choice. [00:19:17] Speaker A: Yeah, those moments happen. They're going to happen if you're a. [00:19:19] Speaker B: Single parent, especially if you live in a place where you have no support, like no relatives close by, you will end up with a child. [00:19:28] Speaker A: Right. Let's just say like, oh, yeah. So a know is having a moment. [00:19:35] Speaker B: At the store, let's say at Target. [00:19:38] Speaker A: Yeah, you're at Target and your kid is having a moment. And in that moment, it's kind of like, yeah, you could say, okay, you're going to do, I don't know, conscious discipline would say the child is right. [00:19:53] Speaker B: There in the aisle just kicking and screaming. [00:19:57] Speaker A: Yes. Well, traditional models would just be like, oh, well, you're going to grab that child. You're going to tell that child, get up or we're leaving. [00:20:08] Speaker B: You threaten, maybe that's number one, right? Number one in the traditional methods, strategies is the threat. [00:20:18] Speaker A: It's the threat. Get up or we're going to leave or get up or I'm not going to get you that toy you wanted, or get up or I'm going to take your cell phone away. I don't know. [00:20:27] Speaker B: Well, they're probably too. [00:20:29] Speaker A: But you're trying to control their behavior. [00:20:31] Speaker B: Yeah, same in education. You don't do what I say, you go outside or you go to the office. [00:20:37] Speaker A: But what we would argue is that, honestly, being more conscious about it in this moment, you would say, like, first of all, hopefully you're staying calm, right? But you're only going to stay calm if you actually took care of yourself that day. Did you get good rest the night before? Did you do whatever you needed to do to take care of yourself? Are you rushing through that store or are you taking your time through that store? And then what does it mean for your child? To when your child does that, what is coming up for you? Are you getting triggered in some way? Are there feelings that are coming up for you? Like, how dare my. Oh, my God, my kid is embarrassing me or, oh, my God. So what is going through your mind in those moments? [00:21:34] Speaker B: Yes. And if a lot of things are going through your mind in those moments, that is the gift. [00:21:40] Speaker A: Yes, but let me finish before we go to the gift. So the other thing is also, what would your parents have done if that was you? Oh, my God. [00:21:49] Speaker B: You have to go. Yeah, because that's the first thing that are. Because we are going to react in the way their parents reacted. [00:21:55] Speaker A: Right. [00:21:55] Speaker B: If there was a similar experience, if. [00:21:57] Speaker A: There was a similar experience, that could totally get activated because that's how we get conditioned. Yeah, like you were saying. But then there's the gift. [00:22:07] Speaker B: You might say, that's no gift in there for me. [00:22:11] Speaker A: What are you talking about? [00:22:11] Speaker B: What are you talking about? A kid, like having a quote unquote tantrum. That's no gift. [00:22:19] Speaker A: Right. [00:22:19] Speaker B: So we're going to say in this episode, yes, it is. [00:22:22] Speaker A: There is a gift there for you. [00:22:23] Speaker B: It's a gift for you. That means, like, you are reacting. [00:22:27] Speaker A: Well, you're aware that you're reacting. [00:22:29] Speaker B: No, because first it's awareness. [00:22:32] Speaker A: Yes. You have to be aware. [00:22:33] Speaker B: You have to be aware. Oh, my God. In order to see the gift, you have to be aware of that. Oh, my God. Why am I feeling like this? [00:22:42] Speaker A: Exactly. You have to know. [00:22:44] Speaker B: I just want to grab that child and discipline the child right now because this is not right. This is not okay. This is bad. So you have to go through that process. [00:22:59] Speaker A: It's normal to have those thoughts maybe come up. [00:23:02] Speaker B: No. Yeah, the thoughts are right. Because at the end of the day, it's about our actions. [00:23:05] Speaker A: Right. Yeah, but are you conscious enough and aware enough and aware enough that you're having them? [00:23:10] Speaker B: Exactly. Yeah. And then there has to be the nonreaction at the moment. [00:23:18] Speaker A: Nonreaction. [00:23:19] Speaker B: Like you have to come to your senses that your child is just being a child. I'm pretty sure he's going to be acting like a two year old. Exactly. So that has to be in the forehead, in the foremind right away. My child is just acting as a child. [00:23:38] Speaker A: And then once you're able to kind of differentiate. [00:23:42] Speaker B: Right. [00:23:42] Speaker A: And stay calm, like, yes, you're having all these thoughts inside your head, but on the outside you're calm, collected, and you can see your child, my child has been a child. And then you go, you know what? It's his nap. Maybe it's his nap time. Maybe he needs a snack. Maybe he's hangry because you didn't have a snack before he came or something. [00:24:06] Speaker B: Or probably he really wants to play right now. [00:24:11] Speaker A: Maybe if we made it a game, it would be more interesting to him. Who knows? That's why this is so hard, because there's so many possibilities. But it really is about being centered. [00:24:24] Speaker B: Being centered because something that is going to happen, because personal experience, you're going to have also the external factors, people are going to be noticing that. And there is that pressure to conform to the traditional way, like, oh, no, you need to get the kid out of here or control it or get out and take it out. Yeah. So that's why it is so hard. Because honestly, if we were not feeling actually anything, that's because we haven't been conditioned in that sense, we wouldn't be wounded in one way or another. So we're reacting because there are wounds that we need to heal in ourselves. Remember, it's not about the kid. The kid is just acting his age or her age. Oh, my God. It's just like, what? [00:25:18] Speaker A: Do you minD? [00:25:18] Speaker B: Why am I feeling like that? But now he's like, what do you mean by wounds? [00:25:23] Speaker A: Well, let's not get to the wounds yet because it's a whole other layer. We'll get there. But yeah, I think just being conscious enough in that moment. Right. And to note those things because down the road you are going to have to come back to where did that all come from and hopefully explore the wounds. [00:25:43] Speaker B: Well, if you actually want to continue in this path because remember, we actually just exposing these other strategies, other methods, other ways of doing things. Because at the end of the day, you're going to make your choices and. [00:25:56] Speaker A: Really just trying to slow it down, slow the parenting process down so that you have some references and things to think about and contemplate and reflect on. [00:26:08] Speaker B: Because you had to reflect otherwise in. [00:26:10] Speaker A: Your own experience and what that is. But yeah, when the kids were small, it was trying to just become aware and conscious enough in the moment so that in those moments we could, like you said, be nonreactive enough to note that we're having these feelings but not react to them and then really just be able to focus on our child. Our child. And what are they really needing in this moment? And trying to really take discipline from what it actually is, which is this opportunity to teach. [00:26:48] Speaker B: To teach. Yeah. Actually the root word for discipline is disciple. It comes from the Greek word or Latin word. [00:26:57] Speaker A: I want to say, it's Latin. [00:26:59] Speaker B: Yeah, it's Latin. [00:27:00] Speaker A: Quotas, which means to teach. [00:27:03] Speaker B: Because obviously, if you're completely in a neutral position with awareness now you're guiding your child, you're not passing those old wounds, all that. How can I call it? [00:27:18] Speaker A: Yeah. You're not passing on those wounds, those wounds to them. [00:27:23] Speaker B: And that way you're not conditioning your child. [00:27:25] Speaker A: You're doing something differently. [00:27:26] Speaker B: You're doing something different. Pretty much. You're breaking the cycle. [00:27:30] Speaker A: Yes, there you go. [00:27:31] Speaker B: Breaking the cycle of trauma and all that stuff. So you're going to be showing now you are actually teaching, leading. You're actually becoming a parent. [00:27:44] Speaker A: I would say you're adulting. [00:27:46] Speaker B: Well, yeah. [00:27:47] Speaker A: Right. I feel like that's really, like. That's true. [00:27:51] Speaker B: I ActuallY feel that we never get to reach a huge Level of. We're always learning, we're always adulting, we're always maturing, we're always becoming wiser. [00:28:03] Speaker A: Yes. So I feel like, yeah, that's the gift. [00:28:05] Speaker B: That's the gift. [00:28:06] Speaker A: And that's why ultimately, Parenting is really about you. All this work that we put into growth and self development and healing, maturing, adulting, nurturing ourselves, discovering for ourselves what it is, what feels true and rings true for us. I don't know, just being more ourselves, that's really the gift that they offer us. And that'S why all of this work is so important. And it's not just in that moment where we get to teach them and guide them. It's like all the work that you've got to put InTo it before. And that's why parenting is really about us. [00:28:57] Speaker B: Yeah. And actually, you have a really nice sentence right here that says, children are on mirrors in the most powerful way. [00:29:04] Speaker A: Yes. Because they really do reflect back all those places that still hurt. [00:29:09] Speaker B: And this example that we're talking about is only one. There's commonness over there. It can be at the park, it can be at the movies. It can be in a public gathering. [00:29:19] Speaker A: It's even in those SuBtle Experiences with them. Because I remember this one moment where, and I think I probably shared this before, where I was Nursing Vicki. And I remember that it was towards the end of my breastfeeding her. And I just remember looking down at her. She's not even verbal, right? She's like a Year old. And I was like, you better. Oh, God, what is the word I use? [00:29:49] Speaker B: Grateful. [00:29:49] Speaker A: Yeah, you better be Grateful that I nursed you and breastfed you this long. Right. And in that very moment that I had that thought, I immediately had the other thought of, like, she didn't ask you to breastfeed her. What do you mean? You're breastfeeding her because that's the experience you wanted to have. I chose that. [00:30:17] Speaker B: In a way. [00:30:18] Speaker A: It's about me. Breastfeeding was about me. Yes. I wanted to have this experience with her, but I wanted to have that experience with her. [00:30:26] Speaker B: I think we need to keep in mind that we don't own anything to our children. [00:30:31] Speaker A: No, they don't owe us. [00:30:33] Speaker B: They don't owe us anything because at the end of the day, we decided to become parents. I hope it wasn't a self aware decision, but even if it wasn't, when the child comes, the child comes. [00:30:46] Speaker A: Yes. [00:30:48] Speaker B: It's just like, yeah, they didn't say that. You have to pick me. I want to be born through you. No, it was a decision we made. [00:31:02] Speaker A: Exactly. And so really understanding all of those different layers, all those different threads, it all points back to the fact that parenting is really about us. [00:31:15] Speaker B: Mostly. [00:31:16] Speaker A: Mostly not all, because obviously it's about our kids. [00:31:21] Speaker B: We have to obviously guide them and teach them and know how to maneuver this life in the best way that we know how. [00:31:30] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:31:31] Speaker B: Because at the end of the day, we all have different experiences that is going to impact. Yes. [00:31:36] Speaker A: But as the parents, the adult role models for our kids, we're the ones that are deciding and choosing the experience that we want to have with them. Right. And that we want to have as parents, everybody who is a parent or is an adult caregiver for a young person, we're making those decisions about that experience that we want to have. And we got to own that and not put that on the kids. [00:32:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Because when we own it, then we are experiencing many beautiful things. [00:32:17] Speaker A: Absolutely. [00:32:18] Speaker B: That's when it becomes beautiful and not stress and there's no anger, hatred, and this kid knows how to manipulate me. All that just stops in many ways, because at the end of the day, it's just you and reflecting about all these feelings and emotions, which doesn't feel great. [00:32:40] Speaker A: It's hard. [00:32:41] Speaker B: It's hard because at the end of the day, we're humans. We're not made of stone and metal. Iron, obviously it's going to be hard, but that gift is beautiful. And I will say that the more we practice the art of nonreaction, the better we're going to get at it. [00:33:02] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:33:02] Speaker B: That doesn't mean that we're not going to fall back sometimes, but that's part of the process, right? Yeah. Falling is just another opportunity for us. [00:33:13] Speaker A: To get ourselves together again and also an opportunity for our kids to see us make mistakes. [00:33:22] Speaker B: Exactly. [00:33:22] Speaker A: Which is just such an. It's another beautiful part to show them the humanity and the, and the reality that, you know what? We're not always going to get it right. We don't know everything. [00:33:31] Speaker B: Yeah. But this is the best way that so far I have found of how to actually deal in very, how do you call it? Not so welcoming circumstances or circumstances that are not that great. That's another term for it, but. Yeah. Because remember, when the children are small, they're sponges, they're absorbing everything and they're learning mostly by observation. [00:33:57] Speaker A: Yeah. And we want to teach them right. By example and we want to prepare them for life. And I think for many of us who didn't get these skills from our parents or we didn't learn these things and we're learning them as adults, it's such a beautiful thing to share all those things in real time with our kids. They're getting to see us have challenging moments, moments when we ourselves fall, when we make mistakes and how we get back up, how we apologize to them, how we own our. [00:34:39] Speaker B: Yeah. And how we even apologize to each other. [00:34:41] Speaker A: Yeah. How they watch us engage, how they watch us figure things out when we don't agree. I think we're trying to help our kids just learn about this is life. And so I think that's the real beauty. And having said all that, I feel like sometimes it can feel really overwhelming. [00:35:04] Speaker B: Yes. And that's why I was going to say we have to have a lot. [00:35:08] Speaker A: Of compassion for us, for ourselves, even for those around us who don't choose this path. [00:35:15] Speaker B: Yeah. Because remember, you're going to have the external pressure to comply to the old patterns, but at the end of the day, you are the one that decide what feels best. [00:35:26] Speaker A: Yes. And also allowing that for the people. [00:35:29] Speaker B: Around you, you're like, oh, my God. [00:35:31] Speaker A: Look at that passion for them. This path that we choose is challenging and especially when the babies are small. [00:35:45] Speaker B: And remember that we're speaking out of experience because I remember one time, even an older person told me what were the skills that I needed to develop to actually discipline my kid at a Costco. And all those tips that he gave me, it was all about using physical punishment. And I was just listening to the person, you know what, and I appreciate the person. Thank you so much. Yeah. I never put, I never pushed back because I know that he needed to. [00:36:13] Speaker A: Say whatever coming from his generation. [00:36:14] Speaker B: Exactly. And this. Just move on and moving on. Yeah. [00:36:18] Speaker A: So, yeah. Having compassion for a lot of compassion. [00:36:21] Speaker B: For others and yourself, for other people. [00:36:22] Speaker A: As well, and for ourselves, because this is not easy. [00:36:27] Speaker B: It's not. [00:36:28] Speaker A: But having said that one last thing that I didn't share before, which is another reason why I love thinking about parenting in this way. And sometimes it even gets me choked up because I really think about as we get older, because maybe because we are getting older, I mean, we're in our forty s now. And I think about down the line and I think about my parents who are even older. Right. Think when you get ready to leave this earth. [00:37:04] Speaker B: Yes. [00:37:05] Speaker A: Right. The question is not so much for me, like, what did my kids do with their lives? Right? We ask ourselves, what did I do with my life? Right? We enter this life alone. We exit this life alone. [00:37:24] Speaker B: Yes. [00:37:25] Speaker A: And the question is, what did I do with it? And that always refocuses me to go, you know what, Yesenia? If you're okay, if you're living your best life, you know what I mean? If you're doing right by your kids, by following your dreams, by being the best version of you that you can. [00:37:46] Speaker B: Be, automatically you're teaching them to do the same thing automatically. [00:37:52] Speaker A: I don't know what it is about us living here, but freedom to me and having the freedom to be myself more myself as I get older. I value that so much. And I just think, I just want my kids to be free, but they aren't really free to be themselves. They are only as free to be themselves as I am. Free to be myself. [00:38:15] Speaker B: Exactly. No, it is so true. [00:38:16] Speaker A: Always points back to us. [00:38:19] Speaker B: Yeah, it is so true. [00:38:20] Speaker A: So just leaving you with that final thought, that final gem, I hope that helps you think about things for yourself again. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't. We just wanted to have just this deeper conversation about why parenting is really about you. [00:38:38] Speaker B: Yeah. You know, food for thought. [00:38:40] Speaker A: Absolutely. Thank you so much for joining us. We'll be back, actually, next week. We'll be putting out episodes throughout the month of December as we close out our first season back, because we made. [00:38:52] Speaker B: A commitment and we tried to stick to it. [00:38:54] Speaker A: Yes, we wanted to do a certain number of episodes, and we're going to stick to it. We'll be here through the end of December every week. [00:39:01] Speaker B: No, thank you. [00:39:02] Speaker A: And thank you so much for staying with us. [00:39:04] Speaker B: No, thank you. Thank you, baby, for this wonderful conversation. Yeah, it always feels like the first time. All right, everybody. Sala Proxima Kevivalusion. See you soon. [00:39:16] Speaker A: Bye. Hi. [00:39:20] Speaker B: If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and family. [00:39:24] Speaker A: You can subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. It's super important to help spread the message. [00:39:30] Speaker B: You can also follow our parents on Instagram @paulomenchaca and @somos.padres [00:40:00] Speaker A: …