What Has 19 Years of Marriage Taught Us?

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello, and welcome to Samos Padres!!! [00:00:03] Speaker B: A Podcast dedicated to the constant development over parenting and ourselves. [00:00:07] Speaker A: We are your hosts, Paolo and Jessenia. Thanks for joining us as we share our parenting experiences rooted within the context of our own life journey. [00:00:16] Speaker B: In that spirit, we will also be sharing parenting information and the stories of Madres and Padres out there... [00:00:21] Speaker A: Who have embraced their own personal evolution as the great latest gift of parenthood. [00:00:27] Speaker B: Here we go. Welcome back, everyone. It's almost... Welcome to Somos Padres. [00:00:41] Speaker A: Welcome back, everybody. We have a special guest. Just kidding. [00:00:47] Speaker B: Well, Yesenia asked me to come to do an episode because I haven't been in the semi series. Well, I haven't been right. For the last month. [00:00:56] Speaker A: I missed you, babe. [00:00:58] Speaker B: Well, actually, we started recording this episode, and what I said was, like, welcome back muchachos!!! I said, very interesting because that's how it start, like, teaching. [00:01:09] Speaker A: I was like, wow, you just slipped into teacher mode, like, real quick. [00:01:14] Speaker B: Yeah. So you started laughing, so I canceled that recording. [00:01:18] Speaker A: Oh, my God. You totally missed it. He went into teacher mode. [00:01:23] Speaker B: Yeah. Teacher mode. Yeah. Well, because I'm teaching now. [00:01:26] Speaker A: Yeah, the school year has started. You were back with your new classes, new students, new wave. [00:01:35] Speaker B: Yeah, well, for the most part, almost all new students, except for the ones that didn't try last year. I had them again. That's how it is. [00:01:46] Speaker A: Back to inspiring the future. [00:01:48] Speaker B: Yeah. Because I actually do believe in this career. At the end of the day, the way I see it is just I'm planting seeds for the future because you never know when these students are going to wake up. These teenagers are going to wake up. [00:02:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:02:06] Speaker B: Because they are the future. [00:02:08] Speaker A: They are the future adults. [00:02:09] Speaker B: We want them or not. They're going to be our future teachers, doctors, lawyer, nurses, customer service. Yeah. They're going to be living in their communities. [00:02:18] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. Well, not only that, I mean, I missed you. You hadn't been on the podcast in a while, and I was like, oh, my gosh, I haven't heard your voice. [00:02:29] Speaker B: Yeah, you know what? I still need to oh, no. I listened to both of your episodes. [00:02:34] Speaker A: You did? [00:02:35] Speaker B: Which are so good. [00:02:36] Speaker A: We listened to them together, which was. [00:02:38] Speaker B: Totally the second one. [00:02:40] Speaker A: Cool. No, the first one, too, babe. [00:02:41] Speaker B: The first one, too. [00:02:42] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:02:42] Speaker B: I thought I listened by myself. [00:02:44] Speaker A: No, remember we were in the bedroom and we put it on and we were listening to it and we were pausing it and talking about it. The one about what is healing. [00:02:52] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. It's really good, babe. Yeah, I love that perspective. [00:02:55] Speaker A: Yeah. And then this last episode where I talked about my mom and the water healing, we were on our way to Costco. [00:03:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:03] Speaker A: And now Costco is like 40 minutes. 35. 35 minutes away. [00:03:07] Speaker B: 35 minutes away. [00:03:07] Speaker A: So I was like, hey, you want to listen to the episode. And actually, I had never talked to you about that whole experience. [00:03:18] Speaker B: I didn't know anything about that experience with your mom. [00:03:22] Speaker A: Like, when I came back from it, I was like, I'm not ready to. [00:03:25] Speaker B: Talk about it because I remember how they're going. You were like, oh, I'll tell you eventually. [00:03:30] Speaker A: Yeah. I was still integrating it and making processing it, making all these connections. I was like, I really feel like I wasn't ready to talk about it. And then afterwards, I don't know. I was like, you know what? I'm just going to have you wait until you hear it on the podcast, and then we'll talk about it. [00:03:52] Speaker B: So what did you think about the episode? [00:03:56] Speaker A: Yes. [00:03:56] Speaker B: Oh, my God. It's good because, well, you can take more from the episode. Well, I feel like took really I connected with the episode because I know your mom a little bit. Yeah, obviously. So for me, it wasn't shocking. It wasn't shocking because your mom continues to be this person that just wants to be the provider. [00:04:22] Speaker A: Yeah. A good caregiver. [00:04:23] Speaker B: A good caregiver, but not so much a nourishing. [00:04:27] Speaker A: A nurturing one. [00:04:28] Speaker B: A nurturing individual. [00:04:29] Speaker A: No, absolutely. I think people of her generation and our parents who come to this country, I mean, I imagine you feel on some level like that, too. Right. The way they show their love is by how well they provide for you. They might not say ever, like, I love you and I care for you, but they show it by how hard they work to provide you with a. [00:04:58] Speaker B: Home and the things well, the basic. [00:05:01] Speaker A: Needs, the basic things. [00:05:02] Speaker B: My mom always prided the basic things talking about the external world, food, shelter, clothing. [00:05:10] Speaker A: Yeah. And my mom always, I mean, always prided herself in her ability that she would work hard for us and provided everything that she could, everything that we wanted. Right. And all these opportunities. So I very much realized in that moment how, like, look at her. She's so focused on being that good support in the way that she knows how. Right. [00:05:39] Speaker B: Well, I feel blessed because now I can say with all certainty that I don't judge people anymore. [00:05:47] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:05:48] Speaker B: I don't judge people anymore because I know for a fact that behind every individual, there's a story to tell. [00:05:55] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, I would say that I still catch myself having judgmental thoughts, but I'm able to snap myself out of. [00:06:04] Speaker B: It so quick now because, well, I'm not going to tell you I'm 100% perfect because sometimes what you just said. [00:06:11] Speaker A: Well, I don't judge people. [00:06:13] Speaker B: No, I don't judge people. [00:06:16] Speaker A: I catch myself. [00:06:18] Speaker B: But no, this is exactly what I meant. [00:06:20] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:06:21] Speaker B: You're never going to hear me completely, 100% being myself aware, talking about somebody else. I'm going to tell you this is what I say. I'm going to be judgmental right here. And this is what I'm thinking right now in my classes. Yeah. I tend to judge a few students, but I never voice that. It's only on my head. And then I reflect it. I come back to myself, yes, this is not okay, because I know. [00:06:50] Speaker A: And then you snap out of it. [00:06:51] Speaker B: I snap out of it. Yeah. That's exactly what I'm talking about. It's just like, yeah, of course I'm going to judge people in my head, but then it's going to read this process where in the past right away yeah. It's completely different. [00:07:04] Speaker A: No, totally. Well, thank you so much. I really want to appreciate you for I don't know, I think we always talk about this, right? Being each other's witnesses and oh, yeah. Each other's lives. And it's been really amazing for me to have you listen to these episodes this time around. I don't know why this summer series has been so much about my own thoughts and my own experiences, that it's been really great to have your support as I share these well, to watch you enjoy them. [00:07:43] Speaker B: But as I told you in the previous two episodes, that I'm going to listen to and we listen together, I'm like, yeah, if I give you my opinion, remember, it's only my personal opinion. It's just like I come from there. [00:07:56] Speaker A: Yeah, I know that you're going to give it to Miss Straight. So it's been great that you've enjoyed them. And that brings us to where we are today. Today we're recording on August 13. [00:08:10] Speaker B: Yes. [00:08:10] Speaker A: And tomorrow is August 14. [00:08:13] Speaker B: Tomorrow, for us, tomorrow is really special. Yes, really special. Because we're going to be celebrating 19 years of being together. Of marriage. [00:08:24] Speaker A: Married. [00:08:24] Speaker B: Mary being married. Because being together oh, my God. Being together is going to be 25 next month. [00:08:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:08:31] Speaker B: It's going to be a quarter of a century. [00:08:33] Speaker A: That's crazy. I know. But I do feel like we're 19 years almost tomorrow. It's 19 years. Today is our last day of year 18. I feel like we've matured in a lot of ways, and we're ahead of the just in terms of years. Right. We've been married for so long, I feel like we can look back and we have these lessons learned, I guess, or this wisdom that has just come from all these years of being married that I thought that we could spend some time talking about how we view marriage. And I don't know, things that we wish we knew from the beginning when we first got married or thinking about anybody that's in the first five years of marriage. Or thinking about marriage. I don't know, I feel like these days people are not getting married. I feel like this generation of young people, they don't necessarily need marriage, which I'm totally like. I totally support young people if they're like, marriage isn't for me. Absolutely. But I think that what we're about to talk about. It doesn't matter if you're going to be married and doing the whole piece of paper ceremony, legal ceremony, church ceremony, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Or if you're just in this long term partnership with someone where you're like, I don't need to go through that. I know that I want to have a long term relationship with you. A commitment of exclusivity. I don't know, but I feel like we have just, I don't know, reflections that we can share that might be helpful. [00:10:26] Speaker B: So yeah, that's today's topic. That is today's marriage. Long term partnership. Yeah, all long term it's, right? Yeah. But before we talk about that, babe, can we please just talk about the drink of the day, too? [00:10:41] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh, I totally forgot. I'm so glad. [00:10:44] Speaker B: Yeah. Because no, at least this is the time for me to breathe. Breathe. Because obviously the topic is heavy. [00:10:53] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:10:56] Speaker B: At the end of the day, it's not going to be bad because it's going to be from a personal perspective. [00:11:00] Speaker A: Yeah, it's going to be fantastic. We're going to have a lot of fun today. So what is our drink of the day? [00:11:06] Speaker B: The drink of the day for today's episode is not a cocktail. [00:11:11] Speaker A: No. [00:11:12] Speaker B: It actually comes from the agave plant, which is we're having today. Some mezcal. [00:11:23] Speaker A: Yes. From our trip to Oaxaca. [00:11:25] Speaker B: From our trip to Oaxaca last year? [00:11:28] Speaker A: No. Well, yes, last summer. Not this summer. Last summer. [00:11:31] Speaker B: Yeah, last year. Yes, a year ago. [00:11:34] Speaker A: We've had it for a year. [00:11:35] Speaker B: So it comes from the Magay aro Kenyo, which is Sylvester Mague. It's not cultivated. It just grows up in the mountains. And it takes 15 years for the plant to be ready to be able to be turned into mescal. [00:11:53] Speaker A: And this is what they call an artisanal bottle. [00:11:56] Speaker B: Right, artisanal. So it is so good. And I'm a little bit sad that the bottle is almost gone. [00:12:03] Speaker A: We're going to have to go back to Oaxaca. [00:12:05] Speaker B: Yeah, no, it's almost gone because it's not that we have drinking together. [00:12:08] Speaker A: No. [00:12:08] Speaker B: I actually love to share this type of mescal whenever our friends come and visit. [00:12:13] Speaker A: Yeah, it's been a really great bottle. [00:12:16] Speaker B: It's a great bottle. [00:12:17] Speaker A: When it finishes, we have to go back. [00:12:19] Speaker B: Yeah, hopefully. But they only made like, 100 bottles of this one. [00:12:23] Speaker A: But no, 200 bottle. It says it on the back. [00:12:26] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. [00:12:26] Speaker A: Bottle 123. [00:12:28] Speaker B: Yeah. But, you know, of 200, that's what makes it special, because not one mescal is going to be the same ever. [00:12:34] Speaker A: No, it was really amazing. And I think what I love about mezcal is that, like you said yeah. We've had mezcal in a cocktail. There are certain cocktails where I feel like if it's really well, cocktail with Hamika. [00:12:52] Speaker B: Oh, mescal with Hamika. One of the best cocktails. [00:12:56] Speaker A: But in this case, I feel like with this bottle, specifically now, this one. [00:13:01] Speaker B: You cannot be drinking. [00:13:02] Speaker A: We drink it straight, one shot. [00:13:05] Speaker B: Because this type of mescal, you have to you sip it. [00:13:07] Speaker A: Yes, we sip it along with what? What do we sip? [00:13:10] Speaker B: Are we sipping it? You sip it, and then you need to have cold orange. [00:13:15] Speaker A: We have oranges. [00:13:16] Speaker B: We have pieces of oranges along with a little bit of omega salt. [00:13:22] Speaker A: Yes. That you also buy oaxaca. [00:13:24] Speaker B: We also buy it from Wahaka. It's called from omega cinosanos. I don't even know what's in there. Crickets. But it tastes so good. [00:13:31] Speaker A: It's amazing. [00:13:32] Speaker B: No, this type of salt and chile, you cannot even compare. [00:13:41] Speaker A: Can't compare it to tahini. [00:13:42] Speaker B: No. Okay. No, tahini is artificial. No, this is really good. Yeah, you sip it and then you bite a little bit. I don't know. It just brings the bowl favorites use what's the word they use? They're really highlighted, you know? [00:14:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:05] Speaker B: They really highlight it. Yeah. Oh, it's just beautiful. [00:14:09] Speaker A: You need to try it. It's an experience. It's an experience. It's beautiful. It's super great. And so we had our mescal before we started before we started recording. So we'll definitely share we'll share the bottle this time. No secrets here. [00:14:25] Speaker B: No secrets. Oh, and by the way, that last time yeah. I did share the secret at the end and the messages. I believe in social media. [00:14:32] Speaker A: It's fine for whoever wants to I. [00:14:35] Speaker B: Never keep anything secret. Okay. Secret ingredient was talking about cocktails. All right, well, let's talk about marriage. [00:14:43] Speaker A: Yes. Let's get to it. So basically, we have three things that we want to share with everyone as kind of like our major insights that we have come to after all of these years together. All of these years of being together. [00:15:04] Speaker B: But remember, I'm 43 years old. [00:15:09] Speaker A: Yes. And I'm 44. We're 19 years almost into this thing called marriage. We are 25 years almost into partnership. [00:15:20] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Next month. Oh, my God. [00:15:27] Speaker A: I do feel like as we've gotten older, I do feel this sense of we're entering into this elder stage. I know that that maybe sounds like we're old. [00:15:39] Speaker B: It sounds harsh, but it's reality. Babe, look, if we're lucky to live to 80 oh, my gosh. [00:15:45] Speaker A: It's not guaranteed we're going to do this episode again. [00:15:47] Speaker B: No, the future is not guaranteed, but if we were to live to 80 years old, we already pass our half time. [00:15:54] Speaker A: Yeah. And I bet you we'd come back with such different wisdom. [00:16:03] Speaker B: Well, we live still together and completely. We're going to look back. [00:16:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:11] Speaker B: And we're still doing this. [00:16:14] Speaker A: So I guess caveat or disclaimer? This is us 19 years in 40 plus years into life and almost a quarter of a century together, and I. [00:16:27] Speaker B: Still cannot grab my mind about we've been together for almost 25 years. [00:16:31] Speaker A: I know. [00:16:32] Speaker B: We have cerebral, like, three times. [00:16:33] Speaker A: So at this point in our life, we're going to dive into what are the top three things that we would share to anyone who is I don't know. [00:16:45] Speaker B: And we're talking about this personally. We're talking about this because I wish I would have just have like, a deep conversation with someone about marriage. [00:16:55] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:55] Speaker B: And I never did. [00:16:57] Speaker A: I feel like sometimes there just isn't. [00:16:59] Speaker B: That because a lot of people say there's no blueprint. Yes. There's no blueprint. [00:17:05] Speaker A: Absolutely not. [00:17:05] Speaker B: But there is some tips and wise advice. [00:17:10] Speaker A: Yeah. So that's what we're here to do. We're here to offer up some tidbits, some lessons learned. [00:17:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:18] Speaker A: Lessons learned that you can take or. [00:17:22] Speaker B: Leave because every life is different. [00:17:26] Speaker A: Yes. So take it or leave it. This is just where we're at right now, what we're about to share. So let's just jump into it. Number one, I think number one we've learned is that our definition of love changes over time. [00:17:39] Speaker B: Yes. It completely changes. [00:17:41] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:17:43] Speaker B: Number one is science. The brain is continuing to develop. Yes. We're getting wiser. Well, I will say we get wise if we're open. Have an open mind. [00:17:54] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:17:54] Speaker B: Wisdom is optional. No, honestly, growing older. No, can't keep that. Obtaining wisdom is optional because you need to have an open mind. [00:18:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:05] Speaker B: You got to look at it. Yes. [00:18:07] Speaker A: But definitely the definition for us of love has changed over time. Right. When we were young, we viewed love as control and ownership. We were playing the blame game. [00:18:21] Speaker B: Oh, I love to play the blame game. [00:18:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:25] Speaker B: Well, I say love. [00:18:26] Speaker A: You were really good at it. [00:18:27] Speaker B: Yes. Some people say, like, Paolo, how can you say love to because that was the way I actually tried to control, you know, how dare you spend this much money on this? And it was basically about always making her feel bad about her expenses. Yeah. [00:18:46] Speaker A: And also not just that, but you had opinions about even what I would wear sometimes, which I didn't realize that you were a jealous person. [00:18:57] Speaker B: Because I never said it. [00:18:59] Speaker A: No, he kept that on the DL. [00:19:01] Speaker B: Yeah. I never said that to anyone. [00:19:07] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:07] Speaker B: Out loud. [00:19:08] Speaker A: You are keeping that to yourself. [00:19:09] Speaker B: I was keeping to myself? Like, Ma'am jealous. Yes, I am. [00:19:12] Speaker A: You know, people, even when we tell them, like, oh, yeah, paul used to be really jealous. And they're like, you still are to some degree. [00:19:18] Speaker B: Yeah, of course. I don't think that goes away when you love someone. [00:19:25] Speaker A: I think it can go away. [00:19:27] Speaker B: It can go away. Yeah. But when you love someone, you still have attachments. Because I'm not here talking about I'm free and I'm wise. [00:19:34] Speaker A: But you were a lot more jealous. [00:19:36] Speaker B: Yeah. I will tell you, senior, to tell the truth. I will tell you, senior, don't you think that what you're wearing is way too sexy? Put on another shirt, please. Or cover your butt. [00:19:48] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:19:49] Speaker B: Or cover your cleavage is showing too much. [00:19:51] Speaker A: Right? Well, no, I think more for you. It's like, if I wear you know what? I'm not covering my look at that. [00:19:56] Speaker B: Because the cleavage part, it was already taken care of. Because of your mom. Your mom will see, like, you were showing a little she will tell you without me having to say anything. Yeah. That was never really care about that. Yeah. [00:20:10] Speaker A: But I feel like you're more about like yeah. If I was to go out and wear gym shorts, kind of like the tight ones. [00:20:21] Speaker B: Oh, no, those are nothing. [00:20:23] Speaker A: You'll even kind of say something now, but I just don't pay attention to it anymore. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to the gym like this. [00:20:28] Speaker B: Because let's say it's the machista in me that wants you still there working on it still. I think I'm going to work on it for entire lifetime. [00:20:41] Speaker A: Yeah. You're fighting that machista inside. [00:20:46] Speaker B: Yeah. Because nowadays, now I see the world through a different lens because I need to have an open mind. Well, it's not that I need it feels better to have an open mind. [00:21:02] Speaker A: Right. [00:21:02] Speaker B: You get to experience life in a different perspective. [00:21:04] Speaker A: When you have an open mind, you feel more peace. [00:21:07] Speaker B: You feel more peace and you don't feel as miserable. [00:21:09] Speaker A: Right? [00:21:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Honestly. So for me now, I came to the conclusion that it's harder to be a man than to be a macho. Because macho, all you have to do is use violence to control the environment around you. It's a lot easier to use violence. [00:21:27] Speaker A: Right. [00:21:27] Speaker B: Why? Because that's how you shut people up. This op people up, crush people's souls. [00:21:34] Speaker A: Well, and that just goes to your whole blame game that you were so good at when you were yeah, that's. [00:21:39] Speaker B: Because I needed to feel the power, gain my, quote, unquote, gaining my power back. How dare you try to take the power back from me? How dare you be no, you have to say what I say. [00:21:51] Speaker A: You have to do what I say. [00:21:53] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. You have to do what I say. Yeah, but what I was saying is just that it takes more guts to be a man, because a man takes responsibility for his actions, his own actions, and he's going to look for a way to make the partner feel comfortable and feel trustworthy. Trusty. Trustful. What's the word? [00:22:20] Speaker A: I don't know. But the vision that I got when you were saying right now is just that I feel like a man wants his woman to be to feel like a woman, like a full woman. [00:22:34] Speaker B: Yes, exactly. [00:22:35] Speaker A: And what it means for me to be a woman includes my, like I want to look sexy. [00:22:40] Speaker B: Exactly. Yes. And if that happens, then the relationship flourishes into this trusty relationship. [00:22:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:51] Speaker B: You're allowing and it comes to how I voice that now. Yes. It was a while. Baby, don't you think that you're going. [00:22:59] Speaker A: To go to the gym? [00:23:00] Speaker B: You can go to Zumba. We're in that. Oh, come on. Yeah. And even though it doesn't feel that great, it's just like I'm able to process it. But yeah. Being a man, it takes pantalones. Yeah. [00:23:22] Speaker A: Vulnerability. [00:23:25] Speaker B: Because now you have to process our feelings and emotions. You have to come to terms to that. [00:23:30] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:31] Speaker B: Something that you were so afraid of feeling now, you had to just face them and it takes a lot of courage. Yeah. [00:23:37] Speaker A: I mean, I think what we're talking about is just this idea of how now we view love as a lot more about freedom. Right. Because earlier today you were saying, like, oh, I'm so glad that we always push ourselves or push each other. [00:23:59] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. [00:24:00] Speaker A: And I was like, oh, I don't know if it's push each other. [00:24:03] Speaker B: No, it's not push. [00:24:04] Speaker A: No, I go I think it's that we allow. [00:24:07] Speaker B: We allow each other to be the best that we can be right now. [00:24:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:12] Speaker B: With all the imperfections that intelligence. [00:24:14] Speaker A: You allow each other to grow at your own pace. I think in the beginning, even when I was starting out with all of my learning and healing modalities and practices, I would be like, you should do this. And once you start pointing the finger at someone else to say, like, you should do this, you should take this course, or you should go to therapy, or you should this you can't force someone to change. [00:24:46] Speaker B: No. And you're never going to change anyone. [00:24:49] Speaker A: No. [00:24:49] Speaker B: Ever. [00:24:50] Speaker A: So it's about allowing. And I was in a space with you where I felt like I can allow right. As long as you don't stop me from doing my thing. Right. And that's where I mean, that's the beauty of it. Maybe you weren't on board with doing that for yourself, but you allowed. [00:25:15] Speaker B: Yeah. Because at the end of the day, you're respecting yourself. You're trying to grow. There's nothing wrong with that. [00:25:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:23] Speaker B: You're not hurting yourself. You're not hurting anybody else. [00:25:25] Speaker A: Yeah. So there was this mutual respect for each other's process. And so I think that that's the beauty and that's the sweet spot is to allow each other and the space. And I always felt like, yeah, it'd be great if you joined me on this journey and ultimately you have joined me on the journey, but at your own pace. And you continue at your own pace. [00:25:53] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm still at my own pace because there are certain things that I still need to do to process certain things. But I'm certain the best way I can explain is I get the feeling that I'll get to it. [00:26:09] Speaker A: Yeah. And I feel like, okay, that's what we have to do. I feel like that's love, that's that sweet spot. Where we're at right now is that it's not about pushing, it's about allowing. [00:26:24] Speaker B: Yeah. And holding each other and giving each other the space needed. [00:26:28] Speaker A: So that leads us to number two. [00:26:31] Speaker B: And what is number two? Lesson number two that we have? [00:26:34] Speaker A: Lesson number two, we said is that the goal is not forever. [00:26:37] Speaker B: The goal of marriage is not forever. Jesus. [00:26:40] Speaker A: I know that feels a little harsh, counterintuitive, and a little maybe controversial to some potentially that might land like, well then why do you get married? If the goal is not forever, then what's the point? [00:26:57] Speaker B: To tell the truth, because our conditioning is really rooted deep inside. I'm pretty sure women wants to still find, you know, the blue princess, the principitous one. Is it the blueprints? The blueprints is still waiting for the blueprints. [00:27:18] Speaker A: That's not the term, baby. [00:27:20] Speaker B: What is it? [00:27:21] Speaker A: I think you were trying to say? Well, it's kind of like the night in shining armor, but I think that's what you were trying to get to. [00:27:31] Speaker B: But don't you say idea. I need to find my blueprints. [00:27:34] Speaker A: It's not the blueprint. No. [00:27:37] Speaker B: It'S not blue then. [00:27:39] Speaker A: No, it's not blue. [00:27:44] Speaker B: That's as far as I remember. [00:27:46] Speaker A: Oh my gosh. It's like on the tip of my tongue and I can't think of it. But I know what you're saying. [00:27:50] Speaker B: You're thinking of since children we see. [00:27:54] Speaker A: Know, see the sleeping beauty and the prince who's going to kiss her and wake her. [00:27:58] Speaker B: But no, I'm talking about Cinderella lie. And they live happily ever after because we all at one point or in our lives, especially when we're younger, we want to experience that. We want that to happen, that fairy tale that and they live happily ever. [00:28:13] Speaker A: Lived happily ever after. [00:28:15] Speaker B: And it's in every single movie of that theme. [00:28:20] Speaker A: Yes. I hear what you're saying. We grow up with this idea that there's going to come a love that is forever. As we've gone though, I think you and I, like we said, we've been married for 19 years and at this point it really feels like we're not attached to the idea that we're going to be forever. [00:28:51] Speaker B: We hope that we hope and we continue to grow. [00:28:54] Speaker A: But I think when you're married long enough, you realize that there's a lot of ups and a lot of downs. [00:29:00] Speaker B: Yeah. And that's just part of that process. [00:29:03] Speaker A: Yeah. There's very high ups and there's very low lows. And I've certainly had my moments when I thought, oh my God, I think that this is it. [00:29:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Especially with my berenches. [00:29:14] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, I think you've also had moments where you thought, I don't know, have you? I know I have. [00:29:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:20] Speaker A: Where I've had moments of like I think that this might be it. [00:29:23] Speaker B: Yeah. Especially when you don't I remember back years ago that you're not into romance that much. And I love touch, hugs and kisses and all that. Sometimes you were not in I was cold. You're cold? Yeah. Well, you're still a little cold, babe. Yeah. And for me, this woman doesn't love me. This is it. I need to find somebody that satisfies me in that sense. [00:29:51] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:52] Speaker B: That is all about cocks and kisses, all that stuff, massages and all that, all the things. [00:30:02] Speaker A: And you were like, yeah, I don't know that this is forever with this woman. [00:30:05] Speaker B: No. [00:30:07] Speaker A: Yeah. I've definitely had moments where I was like, oh my God, are we going to fight about this same topic again? I don't know that I have it in me to be like this forever. [00:30:18] Speaker B: Especially no. Even a topic that still lasts to this point, but it's not as intense as it's in the past. It's just always finances. [00:30:25] Speaker A: Yeah. We always come back to too many. And I think that's pretty normal in relationships to have money be that point that we're like, oh my God, right? And I definitely have felt moments where I was just like, wow, I don't know that it's in me forever. So I think that at least for me, when you've gotten to that point of questioning, like, is this really it? Can I do this forever? And wondering maybe this isn't going to work out, I think that you understand why some people reach that point and go, okay, maybe I need to redefine what success means to me and what. [00:31:11] Speaker B: A successful marriage is. Because it can definitely happen, baby, that one person takes off growing and maturing and all that, and the other person just wants to continue to be who they are. [00:31:21] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think not all relationships are. [00:31:23] Speaker B: Forever, and not all relationships are forever. [00:31:25] Speaker A: And I think that we see that in maybe other people that we've seen in their marriages and relationships. And I have a lot of compassion and grace for them because yeah, marriage is hard. [00:31:45] Speaker B: Relationships are hard. [00:31:46] Speaker A: Yeah. And walking away from being together for especially when I see relationships that have been together for a really long time and then they dissolve and you go, yeah, I can totally. [00:32:01] Speaker B: But some people might say, but don't you love each other? If you love each other, you need to go through things together. If it's truly love, you're going to come out of the other side with success. [00:32:12] Speaker A: Yeah. But I think then that's when you come back to your definition of love exactly. And that freedom that we talked about. Love means freedom. [00:32:23] Speaker B: Freedom, yeah. [00:32:23] Speaker A: And sometimes that means the freedom to exit this relationship and to realize that it's not working out. [00:32:30] Speaker B: And if you really love it, you have to let it go. [00:32:32] Speaker A: You got to let yeah. Because you love it each other go. [00:32:35] Speaker B: Because if you hold it hostage, that's control. That's control. That's the opposite. That's the opposite. That's clipping wings. [00:32:43] Speaker A: Yeah. So I think you and I, we both recognize that we're in a really. [00:32:48] Speaker B: Sweet spot where although you were to say, like, pablo, I don't think this is working out, I'm going to be hurt. [00:32:54] Speaker A: Of course it doesn't take away that. [00:32:57] Speaker B: This doesn't take that pain. [00:32:59] Speaker A: But I think that you and I both love each other so much that we want each other to be happy. [00:33:07] Speaker B: Yeah. It will hurt really bad, but at the end of the day, you're just like, yeah, I just want you to be happy. [00:33:13] Speaker A: Yeah. I think that we recognize. Like, we love each other, we're committed, we're still in it. We're in this really great spot together. But we also recognize that it could not work out. [00:33:27] Speaker B: We might say nonchalant. [00:33:30] Speaker A: Okay, so if the goal is not forever, then what's the goal? [00:33:35] Speaker B: Well, it's just to just continue to allow ourselves to give each other the space to just be the best version of ourselves babe. [00:33:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:33:43] Speaker B: To continue to grow into support. [00:33:45] Speaker A: I think growth is the goal. [00:33:47] Speaker B: Growth is supposed to be the goal. Yeah. [00:33:49] Speaker A: And when we're no longer growing with each other, I think that's it. [00:33:53] Speaker B: Yeah. I think that's it. Yeah. It's just like we came to this role. Yeah. We can't support each other in that goal. We had to meet each other and we had to go through this X, Y, and Z and then it's time to the paths to continue. [00:34:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:11] Speaker B: Ourselves to continue our own paths. If it takes us that it sounds horrible. [00:34:19] Speaker A: It does sound really harsh. Right. But I think it's one of those things that I think should be said. I just feel that and we say this to each other. Right. We're in our marriage for growth. [00:34:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:34:36] Speaker A: And when that stops being the case, then that's when maybe that's it. [00:34:41] Speaker B: And I think we're not there yet. Yeah. We're gaining enough wisdom if that moment ever comes. [00:34:47] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:48] Speaker B: I think we're going to be fine. [00:34:50] Speaker A: We hope so. [00:34:51] Speaker B: Yeah. I just get the feeling that yeah. We need to feel in process what? We need to feel in process the painful everything. [00:34:56] Speaker A: But yeah. I think that we still very much feel like we're in it for each other's growth. Like, I'm here to support you. You're always saying it. Right. Like, I'm your witness. We are here to witness be witnesses to each other. [00:35:11] Speaker B: Yeah. You're my life witness. [00:35:12] Speaker A: Yeah. And so I feel like we live that so intensely and purposely, but we also know that things could change on a dime, and they could we're in it for growth. And I think that that's the goal. That's the goal of marriage. So don't hold on to this sense of like, it has to be forever, because then that's when you get into control. And it's not about that. It's about the freedom to grow. [00:35:48] Speaker B: And sometimes you're going to feel like, oh, I have to stay in it because I love the person. And the person just still stuck and just waiting and waiting. But you can continue to wait, but you're going to be waiting for a lifetime. [00:35:59] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's not freedom. [00:36:01] Speaker B: That's not freedom. [00:36:02] Speaker A: No. Okay, so that's number two. The last one that we wanted to hit is that having children changes everything. [00:36:11] Speaker B: Oh, my God. [00:36:13] Speaker A: And having said that, not all couples have to have children. Number one. [00:36:19] Speaker B: Number one. [00:36:23] Speaker A: We just don't know. Right. I guess what we want to say is having children. It does. If that's your choice, if that's in your cards. If that's something that both of you are wanting to do and expand your relationship in that way, then the reality is, oh my God, it's like a bomb goes off. Not just kidding. It's not like that harsh, but it does it changes everything. [00:36:57] Speaker B: It changes everything. Because now you're responsible for a human life. A little human, a little human especially, that comes into this world completely defenseless. [00:37:08] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that there's so many things that we think about, like, oh my gosh, now schedules are crazy. And if you haven't figured out kind of like how you settle disagreements and. [00:37:26] Speaker B: How do you solve or come to terms yeah. [00:37:30] Speaker A: Like who's going to do what responsibilities. [00:37:33] Speaker B: They haven't been figured out by then. [00:37:35] Speaker A: If you're not good at kind of that team work aspect of it, when this baby comes along, I mean, things are just going to be magnified. [00:37:45] Speaker B: It's going to exacerbate. [00:37:48] Speaker A: Exacerbate? Yeah. [00:37:49] Speaker B: If there is friction oh my God, that friction is going to go like onto turbo mode. [00:37:53] Speaker A: Into turbo mode. Because now you're also sleep deprived. [00:37:56] Speaker B: Because now you have to think into consideration your physical health and mental health. If you're not sleeping enough, then you're going to be completely crazy. Eating really bad. Oh, forget it. It's going to exacerbate, whatever that is. [00:38:14] Speaker A: I mean, no matter what. Even in the best of circumstances. Because I feel like at that point when we had kids, we had been together already, like eleven years. We'd been married for like six years, I want to say when we had. [00:38:30] Speaker B: Palito joined us for four years. [00:38:33] Speaker A: Insidio. [00:38:34] Speaker B: Yeah. Why did I think it was like six no, it's four years. Because we are married in four and Palito was born in 2008. [00:38:41] Speaker A: Oh my gosh, I'm so off. Okay. [00:38:44] Speaker B: But then it was ten years. We have been together ten years. [00:38:50] Speaker A: Okay. [00:38:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:38:51] Speaker A: Okay. [00:38:51] Speaker B: When Palito arrived. [00:38:52] Speaker A: So we'd been together about a decade. [00:38:53] Speaker B: Yeah. I'm thinking. [00:38:54] Speaker A: And then Palito joined us after four years of marriage. Okay. Even then we had a good sense of how we divided up chores and all the things and it still was a shock to the system. Although I will say it felt like Vicky baby number two was like an even bigger then it took it to another level of complexity because now we're. [00:39:23] Speaker B: Juggling two babies, drop offs, pickups. [00:39:29] Speaker A: There's just so much going on, different eating. And then I think that when you're in a relationship, you're reacting and getting triggered by each other, like in the relationship, husband and wife, but then you have kids and then that gets amplified because now the kids and the behaviors, now you're reacting to them. And then maybe your spouse doesn't like how you're reacting to the baby. And so it brings all these other complexities. [00:40:07] Speaker B: Yeah. And then if you love the blaming game, then you're going to blame the kid that your kid is pushing your buttons. [00:40:15] Speaker A: Really I know, but that's how it is when you're young. [00:40:19] Speaker B: Imagine that one year old knowing how to push your buttons. [00:40:23] Speaker A: We do believe that crazy, but when. [00:40:26] Speaker B: You'Re young, oh, my God, this kid. And then it becomes this kid, not. [00:40:30] Speaker A: Even your own kid, but it's just there's so many complexities that happen. So just you're forewarned. I think that having your babies, growing your family, it changes everything. It changes everything in a kind of, like, challenging way. But then there's also this beautiful aspect. [00:41:04] Speaker B: This is the beer. [00:41:05] Speaker A: Well, it brings so much joy. [00:41:06] Speaker B: At the same time, if you have an open mind, then it can be a blessing. It can be like there's just so much it can be in a ha moment, like now, OMG, now I'm responsible for that little human being. Now I need and it can bring you the awareness or, like, getting your stuff together. [00:41:26] Speaker A: Yes. It can awaken you. [00:41:27] Speaker B: It can awaken you to use, like what? Yeah, if you don't know how to solve problems, you're always arguing, always screaming, and that little being is right there next to you guys. Guess what? Don't be surprised. And that little being is going to learn just exactly to be just like you guys. [00:41:44] Speaker A: Well, yeah, they're absorbing, they're expunged the energy that's around that energy. [00:41:50] Speaker B: Ways of communication, ways of solving problems, you name it. Eating, exercising. [00:41:57] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, I think that that's the beauty of it, though, right. I do think that for us, having our kids really awakened us in a way, because it's like sometimes you're not willing to change any of your habits because it just doesn't feel like I don't know. You don't feel that motivation necessarily. But there's something about when you have your kids and the love that you have for them is so deep, and it really propels you and pushes you. I talk about it as being like a portal. It's this beautiful portal that you can walk through just because that love is so deep that you're willing to do anything for them. [00:42:46] Speaker B: Anything for them. [00:42:47] Speaker A: Even change. Right. [00:42:49] Speaker B: Even working on yourself. [00:42:51] Speaker A: Yes. And I think that's what our experience. [00:42:54] Speaker B: For us, a perfect example for us, is just that our children just brought us to that moment of realization, like, oh, shoot, I got to do better. I got to do better to do better. It's just I have to just dig within. [00:43:14] Speaker A: As much as we loved each other, we weren't really willing to go that deep until we had our babies. And then that pushes you in a way that nothing else can. That's why they say there are mirrors. [00:43:30] Speaker B: And for me, that's when the time of exploration to dig deep, to find more about me and what makes me yeah, it was when Pablita was born, right, but five years after Palito was born, right? [00:43:45] Speaker A: No, we had both of the babies. Having your babies, it really does change everything. And it's this next chapter. It's a portal. It really is this beautiful portal and opportunity to grow even further. I mean, Somos Padres wouldn't be here today. [00:44:12] Speaker B: Yeah. We wouldn't have been doing this if. [00:44:14] Speaker A: We didn't have our babies and we had set out on that pad. [00:44:19] Speaker B: I think doing this episode for me resonates, because it's just like I wish I would have had a conversation like this with a person that has gone through this, at least even a 43, but never know. Never kind of a little bit macho. You never figure out about your feeling. Let's talk about your feeling. I'll figure that out. If my parents could do it, I can do it. [00:44:45] Speaker A: Well, that's it. Those are our lessons learned so far. I want to say cheers. [00:44:56] Speaker B: Cheers, babe. Yeah. [00:44:58] Speaker A: Well, to 19. [00:45:00] Speaker B: The future is uncertain, but for sentient. There is no place I would rather be than right now recording this episode with you. With you. [00:45:09] Speaker A: Love you so much. [00:45:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Love you. For the next, I don't know, unknown. [00:45:14] Speaker A: 19 plus. [00:45:15] Speaker B: 19 plus. Yeah. Cheers. Cheers. [00:45:18] Speaker A: All right, everybody. ¡Que viva la evolución! [00:45:24] Speaker B: Take care. [00:45:28] Hi. Speaker B: If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and family. Speaker A: You can subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. It's super important to help spread the message. Speaker B: You can also follow our parents on Instagram, @iam.yesenia, @paulomenchaca, and @somos.padres. Gracias!